Bondage

What is romance to you? This is a question we each must ask ourselves because romance is extremely subjective. What you find romantic another might find extremely revolting. What was romantic to your last lover might be an absolute annoyance to the next.

As an adult I’ve had to reconstruct my ideas about romance; I was so surprised that many of the things I find romantic had nothing to do with the popular culture of romance; like fine dining, flowers etc… don’t misunderstand me, I do enjoy eating out it’s just not up there on my list – I’m the kind of monster who will ask you what you’re ordering so I can order something different then insist on tasting your food and harass you to taste mine so I can feel less guilty about the bullying. I love flowers too but mostly in the form of a natural growing bush or potted plant.

Something as simple as my handbag strap snapping whilst we’re in public and me wishing I had my stapler for a quick fix, then you having a stapler in your bag because you’re obviously a weirdo like me is very exciting and romantic for me - the ability to anticipate your lover’s needs is mind blowing! Scavenger hunt strolls in nature are very romantic. Sun rises, sun-downers, stargazing… the appreciation of nature and the universe is extremely romantic.

Then there’s the twisted or shadow aspect of romance; you know the things we keep so well hidden only to unleash them to our innocent and unsuspecting lovers or spouses months or years later. Mine is bondage and discipline (submission), the other half involving being sadistic and masochistic is absolutely not for me.

The intrigue about bondage and discipline (b & d) for me is that firstly I’m a bit of mouthy rebel, so as you can imagine the discipline part is very foreign to me; because of this reason I’m so curious about it. The bondage bit is a bitter-sweet thing for me; on the one hand – I enjoy rope work, rope games and knots but on the other hand; being an African with a history of slavery – captivity, chains and whipping is definitely not something I should be flirting around with. My ancestors might send thunder my way!

Often people assume that people who are into bondage will also take abuse lying down; a big mistake on their end. Bondage is a fun activity that you can you have with your significant other whom you love, trust and respect – in a controlled environment, otherwise you’re risking your life.

Abuse on the other hand is something severely insecure people who actively refuse to work on their past traumas or people with psychopathy in their DNA might unleash on you. A real psychopath will hurt you and feel nothing, possibly even laugh at your suffering.

A severely insecure person will hurt you then profusely apologize and try to win you back; sadly some of these cases end up in murder - suicide because the severely insecure person lost control, murdered you ‘by mistake’ then realized the gravity of their actions and out terror or grief decide to kill themselves too.

The worst kind of bondage is sexual slavery; you’re a fool if you think that this does not affect your life. This is not something that over there in those countries abroad, this is not ‘vitu za wazungu’... This is something that could happen to you, your sister, your brother, your daughter, your son, your relatives and your friends.

If you’re cut from the “spirit of adventure” aka ‘mũhahe’ cloth like me, or you’re globe trotter, you’re schooling abroad, you’re looking for ‘greener grass’, you’re suffering from addiction, you’re looking for love in yonder and so on… you’re especially at risk. It can happen to anybody regardless of your economic status, education, religion, race, gender or whatever.

To sexual slavers; you’re but a bag of meat with pleasurable holes or protrusions in it. They’ll lure you in and put you in captivity – you will have to do their bidding or get killed, they even threaten to kill your entire family (most of you only care when your life is on the line – better protect your people coz sexual slavers are coming for your neck since your poor sister or brother has rightfully rebelled against the tormentors). They’ll even drug you up, chain you to a bed and deliver you to hell and all its demons. As we act slowly on this crisis, remember that “horn bill's problem is everybody’s problem”.

So I’ll ask again; what is romance to you? Because some of the things that we’re doing in the name of love, romance and conforming to the ‘norm’ are straight up butchering love and our souls. Don’t be cheated by the slavers; simplicity can be the most romantic thing on earth. Try it today!

#BushBabyTales #Romance #Love #Bondage #Abuse #Capitalism #SexSlavery

(Pic by Alexander Krivitskiy)

Uncle Mandazi

I live for adventure; always have, always will – it’s in my DNA. While in primary school around class five or six, I remember the privately owned school bus we used had broken down, that day myself and some of my schoolmates had to use a ‘face-me’ (matatu) to get to school. Of course my mom was sure to lay down the laws of how I should conduct myself in public, in public transport and especially around strangers.

It was so thrilling going out into the ‘real’ world un-chaperoned not just the usual home ground adventures! That day I experienced independence, I felt so grown up after making the round trip without getting lost, kidnapped or killed. In fact I pleaded with my mom not to pay for the private bus coz I was obviously a responsible and independent girl who could get home safely; also my friends were doing the same. She reluctantly agreed.

That’s when my ‘thuggery’ sprouted. Going to school became an adventure; not for books but the travel aspect. Looking back I truly appreciate the fact that I’m alive by the grace. After a couple of weeks on the matatus we already had our favourite ‘kondas’ who would give us free rides; after all the fare for kids was like 5 bob, meaning now I’m saving money and have extra money for candy. One of my pals; Jacque and I even decided to walk to town after school to save more money (for the love of candy).

It was a short walk from school to town and we girls can talk non-stop so you don’t even get tired. We even started making friends with kids from neighbouring schools at the bus stop who later showed us a short cut through Majengo. It made a lot of sense; why walk round the circumference when you can cut through the diameter? What our new pals didn’t tell we ‘cool kids’ was that the short cut involved crossing an unstable rope bridge, walking through the slum and finally into town. At first it was terrifying but within a week we were veterans at that little hike!

In no time we had so much money that we had candy cartel at school! Sweet mzuri, koo, patco were for the poor ones; us girls were in the old Jamaica chocolates, coke candy packets, toffee and biscuit by the carton game! I remember getting a new neighbour; Nyambura who was in a school in town, we quickly became pals and we’d all meet up in town and discover places together. As a child staring at buildings whilst eating illegally acquired candy is such a thrill.

One day Nyambura and I were about to head home when we bumped into my relative; a distant uncle. This guy was a Mr. Moneybags kind of uncle. He quickly offered to take us for some tea and mandazi, we greedily accepted. Him, the other man he was with, Nyambura and I walked into a café where he ordered some mandazis, sausages and tea. Best day ever… till we stepped out of the café and realized it was night!

I got home to a boiling mother who urgently demanded to know where I was after school! In a relaxed and even proud manner I explained “tulikuwa na uncle akatupeleka kula mandazi pale…” BLACKOUT! Never in my life had I experienced such warfare “Kiudutho” style, I was a bit of a naughty child, so I had been canned multiple times before.

This was different; this was real WAR. That night after my aunt had intervened and the war had subsided, I remember telling mom mid sobs that I will never tell her the truth again if this is the thanks I’m getting!

That was the last time my mom ever whooped my ass; after that night she changed tactics into psychology - which involved a lot of talking and dissecting my misbehavior. Today I’m a grown woman but I’m still terrified of eating ‘mandazi’ even from my uncles.

#BushBabyTales #Childhood #Motherhood #Adventure #KidsAtRisk #AtRisk

Shameless

Shame me...
Call me names
Spread those rumors
By all means, back bite me.


I'm so & so's child
No need for your pity
And no, we're not cursed!
Its just a simple family misfortune.
Or so I like to tell myself... You see;
My young brain can't comprehended
All the tragedy as it happens in real time
I suppose I'm just trying to make sense,
Of the current reality, the rumors, and the truth...

Trouble is people just love to ride a good scandal.
No body cares about your little feeling or well being...
A good story sells, add some spice and you have a winner.
So here I find myself in the predicament
Of having to admit to, explain, defend and re-live this agony.
Never mind that this mess is not even my making.
"Grow some thick skin" well wishers advise
It won't last forever.

Oh but it does..
The scandals fade but scars remain
You grow up knowing just how brutal things can get
A sense of aggression possesses you
A lack of trust be riddles you
A clock of shame covers you...
So you build massive emotional walls;
To protect yourself from "the enemies"
It's an exhausting way to live.



So your walls are great
But boy do they disconnect you!
You can't seem to have a "normal" life
And this in turn frustrates you...
The walls are closing in, it's cold and lonely.
So you seek an escape from the reality
You so carefully created to protect... You.
Numbness takes over; An "Ice Queen" is born.
Meanwhile society has gone back
To minding their trivial livelihoods
Searching for the next "shame" victim.


Honestly... Its never that serious.
Most people are extremely bored by their lives
Hence pounce on the littlest mishap,
Blowing it out of proportion and revel in your agony.
Aggressive responses only add salt to injury
Better keep calm and sail through it all.
Imagine yourself a sort of canine trainer at feeding time;
Where your mishap is the food...
Maybe it's a sort of sadistic response to it all, but it will keep you sane.
Especially when living in a society that likes to shame the victim.
Why live through a double tragedy?


Shame me...
Call me names
Spread those rumors
By all means, back bite me.

Hide and Seek

Being young and innocent is truly a beautiful thing. The funny thing about losing your innocence is that though you may try to keep it a secret you hold tight to; it's already so obvious to the experienced eye. I remember being in nursery school (kindergarten) and my beautiful mother would always try to fix my hair so I could be her smart looking little girl, trouble was I just loved the sand box. Honestly the most exciting part of school was play time when I'd just go and dive into the sand box.

Patiently she tried to salvage my hair every evening after my sand box escapades, one day she got fed up and shaved my head clean! Hahaha! A mother can only take so much torture. That was the best decision ever! I could finally enjoy my sand box and come home to a peaceful evening! I actually had my head clean shaven for years as a child, some of her friends didn't approve of a little bald girl but that didn't bother us. I could do play as wildly as I wished and she could have easier evenings. life was balanced and everybody was happy.

I vividly remember the day I went over to my family friends house for the day. It was on school break and Mama had errands to run so she dropped me off at her friends; Mama John's place. I loved it there- she had a kiosk with all the candy a girl could want, her kids were all great company and their food was always delicious. On this particular day there was another kid there; I was a little nervous about this intruder, a bit curios on who she was, maybe even a little threatened by this change that I was trying to size up the new girl.

Both mother's must have noticed my somewhat passive aggressive reaction and decided to make a formal introduction; where I learned that she was visiting from the big city and she learned that I was a wild village girl. They then had us stay in the living room with Baba John so we could get to know each other better! To be honest I don't even remember that girls name or even face.. sadly... But meeting that girl changed my entire life!

Anyway so I'm now stuck with 'new girl' and Baba John in the living room. There was a silent war happening in my head; I was busy trying to establish dominance over this new threat when suddenly Baba John summons us to his breakfast table; I remember he had 2 sunny side up eggs on his plate.

He eyed us and then asked do you want an egg?

We both said yes.

What part of the egg do you want?

What a curious question I thought to myself, I mean; he has two eggs and we're two little girls. He could easily have given each an egg with no politicking involved but of course this was a day filled with intricate surprises!

So we stood there staring at the eggs buffled by Baba Johns trick questions; when I finally declared I wanted the Yolk.

How about you? he asked new-girl, He assured her there was more than enough Yolk to go around. But to both our surprise she insisted on the egg white!

Egg white!? I couldn't wrap my head around why this new creature had no taste buds! The good news was I had two egg yolks to myself! I munched them up quick Before anybody changes their minds and sat down with a satisfied grin on my face having won the egg lottery.


Baba John looked at me and said "Annah, you obviously know the good things in life" I looked at him and just smiled.

At this point John and all his siblings were back from their chores and we could finally play games! With excitement new girl and I went to join the other kids. By the way John had two brothers and one very responsible sister, they were all older than new girl and I. So in a game situation it was awesome having someone my age!




So the games began, needless to say the older kids were winning at everything! By the time we got to hide and seek, new girl and I had become best of friends now that we were getting beaten together! Hahaha. Anyway so we start hide and seek and John is counting, I tried to get new girl to hide in the Napier grass with me but she was apparently a master hide and seeker! She pulled me towards the house and I remember telling her right before we got into the house, that all games take place outside- never in the house. She then reminded what terrible losses we were experiencing and put into perspective that since no one expects us to be in the house we would surely win.

My God, how was this little creature so devious already! But she had a point so I agreed. Now the sofas and cabinets were arranged next to the wall leaving no hiding space, the coffee table would have been a rubbish hiding place and as I was thinking new-girl grabbed me and dragged me into one of the bedrooms where we quickly hid behind a head board. I have to give it to her, she was definitely an expert at this!

We could hear John catching all the older kids and then they started looking for us in vain! We had finally succeeded at something! In all the excitement new-girl kissed my lips!! Oh my goodness! My little seven year old world exploded into a billion glittering fire flies! My little brain trying to digest what had just happened. I mean, it was common knowledge that if a boy and girl kissed, it was "bad manners" and must be reported to an adult instantly with no further delay! Heck I even once witnessed a teenage boy in my neighborhood climb onto a chicken coop, unzip his pants and the rest was too absurd to comprehend.

This moment was no bad manners nor was it absurdity... It was magical! It was curious! It was intriguing! My life had changed... At that moment, I felt my innocence fleeing and instantly being replaced by some form of maturity! New-girl, like a ninja had smoothly crept into my world and established dominance! At that moment she had subtlety; with no words, said to me, that me and my yolk winning - egg lottery antics could go to hell, for she now owned me... I could see the triumph in her fiery eyes! I was extremely bewildered and at the same time intrigued and curious. That moment was like a dangerously addictive drug... I was hooked for life!

Suddenly John came bursting through the door and declared that we had won the hide and seek challenge! Hahaha... New-girl was triumphant, I just watched her jumping for joy; knowing very well that not only had she won the game but my innocence too.

I remember going home that day knowing that the world was much greater than I had previously imagined; it was no longer just about egg yolks and sand boxes. The game had been changed forever; I knew that I would never want anybody else to grab the rag from underneath my feet again... I no longer wanted the simple physical wins of instant gratification. I now had an unquenchable thirst for exotic and spiritual wins- a win so intricately planned out that it would haunt your heart and soul; A win so good that I would become etched on your mind and the minds of your generation.

Be Gentle...

Father? Husband? Brother?
I really don't know much of you.
But over the years growing up,
I heard different things about you.
Supposedly...
You are creatures of power!
Apparently; you protect, you provide
You love, you nature, you are Kings!

I suppose there's a great rift
Between expectation and reality
As my feet swing helplessly
And this choke hold I'm in
Seems to tighten its grip on me
As each second elapses...
My heart is pounding,
My eyes are wet and bulging;
Wondering how did we get here?!







How this seemingly sweet romance,
Flipped into a daily hellish torture..
This "gentleman" turned demon!
With the daily purpose of sucking
The life out of me... all of it.
Sweet words no longer whispered,
Just ice cold letters crafted to stab!

Now every beautiful moment
Has a hellish lining...
What ever could go wrong, will.
I'm tired of sitting in the corner,
Tired of being used and abused
In the name of love.




Today I am a woman...
Not this helplessly vulnerable thing
I must gather the strength of all women
Just to save my self... and maybe others like me.
And so I stand up for myself.

Next thing I see,
His eyes turn red, nose flaring..
He is no longer human!
So I run and hide in the next room
I should be safe here.. or so I think
In flys the door off its hinges
Not even the walls are spared
Now there nothing to hide behind.

I must stand and fight.
Smack! Smack! Smack!
It happens too quickly to feel
Hurt, pained or even humiliated...
And now I'm in a choke hold
With my feet hanging mid air
As I feel my life slipping away
Unloved and unprotected.




Maybe if I survive this ordeal
I should ask father for some advise
Oh wait, Daddy is a mythical creature!
A true magician; a master vanisher.
Not to worry...
Self rescue is the best rescue after all.


I feel my eyes rolling back.
The vice grip of my soft fragile neck
Overwhelming my system...
Warm trickles down my kicking legs
Engaging system shut down
Maybe in the next life... If any,
I'll chose wisely.

Sailing Through.

"You are your own worst enemy"
Such a curious statement to make,
It dares to imply that said person;
Intentionally arises each morning
Just to utterly screw their life up!
A rather myopic analysis of a life.

Mean while the "enemy to self"
Is busy digging deeper into misery;
Some form of saddistic pleasure
That has them tripping on chaos
Addicted to fixes of destruction
The rush of running wildly amok

Running not jogging or walking
Mischief knows no patience nor
Of the subtle ways of maturity.
No. It storms through your home,
Has its way with you and your kin
Then quickly leaves shamelessly.

As you ponder over the past events
Dissecting this wreckless creature
Your: child, sibling, parent or lover
Trying to fathom why all your good
Advice falls on deaf ears and eyes.
Stop hurting your self. Let go...

The mind of an "enemy of self"
Is rigged just like a time bomb!
At some point it will explode...
There will be Manic Highs and
Grim Lows... These are the worst.
The dips that submerge to drown.



Suddenly you're trapped and alone
Thoughts mutineering vehemently
Emotions in an ocean of disarray
Your entire being is unravelling!!
Is this what they call "going crazy"
I'm I losing my mind? Oh God no.

As you're trying to figure out:
What the heck is wrong with you,
Why you're malfunctioning and
Failing to subscribe to the norm...
Society is well ahead of you;
Already labled and defined you!

Worry not, it doesn't last forever;
The emo dips and lows I mean...
And don't for a moment imagine
Booze, drugs, sex or running away
Will remedy the 'issue' permanently
They won't. They don't. They can't.

This is some sort of spiritual itch.
It cannot be scratched physically.
You cannot run, for it shadows you!
Stop, breath and pace yourself...
The turbulence will not last forever.
Brave the storm and enjoy the calm.

Hearts Ablaze

Dont you even dare pursue me
If all you intend to do is feed me
The crumbs of your love! No..
Better you keep your distance
And crumb love me from afar.

You see, if I invite you to my love
It shall be a feast like none other
I will feed you endless delicacies
Marinated in a rich love sauce
I'll inebriate you with my essence.

This is a daily choice I'm making
To wake up madly in love with you
To help you be better and stronger
To over come trials & temptations
Our love is a magnificent inferno..

So do not for a minute imagine
That I'll accept medicore loving
I won't deep my toes in your love
I'll dive deep and immerse myself
So that I'm one with your essence.

I am the sobering choice you make
Not an option to fix the loneliness
A choice to be possessed by my love
To be courageous and utterly crazy
In this adventure for the wild heart.