A State Of Trance

Unwell,insane,twisted,outrageous,
Obsessed,possessed...possessed??
Maybe...wild?? Definitely...
I can relate to that word-wild!
Wild and free...

Sometimes in a semi-conscious state,
I can hardly feel the earth beneath my feet,
Creatures of the night hold me hostage:
Bites-bruises-scratches-memories in bits n pieces,
Time keeps playing tricks on me!
At times everything's moves at the speed of light,
Then there is a deceleration;
When everything is in slow motion,
Suddenly time stops!
Everything around me freezes...
I'm in a natural high.

Not even a combination of herbs,
Flavors and
Vaporized vodka
Can bring me to these heights!
Tis a wild hallucination
Where me and my visions become one
The words from my books come to life-
Images in my head have a life of their own
Sometimes i cant take it-its too much...

I start to walk away
But they wont leave me alone
I find myself jogging
Then running into nothingness...
My quick feet don't seem to find the ground
Dilated vessels-uncontrollable heart beats
Lungs overheating-thoughts in disarray!

Its a free fall to a world unknown,
I'm submerged in a strange world
Of illusions and fantasies
I am who i want to be
I am what i want to be
I am where i want to be
Armed and in flight
Ready to flirt with death
In my natural high...

a dotty affair

A dot...
That's what i am,
that's what fully describes me...
yes, a dot is so perfectly me!!!

On a good day,
I'm the dot that leads to the line
That leads to the creation of a masterpiece...
The sort of creation that wows you-blows your mind
Takes your breath away-moves you to tears
Makes your knees feel like jelly...
Yes, that amazing dot right there is me!!!

On a bad day,
I'm the dot that leads to the line
That leads to a doodle...hehe...yeah,that's me!!!
The good news is, that sometimes
The rainbow accidentally sprays its lovely colors
All over me and i actually pass for a fine piece of art
At the exhibition we all call life...
The bad news is that on really twisted day,
This little dot right here leads to the line
That causes massive doses of confusion-mayhem-chaos-
Havoc-destruction-disarray-sadness-loneliness...a world of misery...

On an undecided day,
This dot leads to the line
Which leads to the land of surprises...
Sometime lovely-other times horrid...
Mostly, on such days,
This dot finds itself in the middle of nowhere
Absolutely loaded with nothingness
And has to get creative-tactful-scheming-smart-skillful...
To make something out of the nothing...
To turn the 'nowhere' into 'now here'...
Yes, i'm the dot that leads to the line
Which leads to the creation of wonders-marvels-awe...even excitement!!!
Yes,that little dot at the beginning and at the end is little old me...

Besides my madness

Assuming that each word i write
will take me a step closer to freedom
freedom from the anguish i harbor
in the depth of my soul-freedom from you;
the object of my obsession...
i need to set myself free
from the crystallized illusion of you
that i have created in my head...
I'm searching for the way out
To escape this quagmire that i created,
A seemingly innocent crush has grown into
A monster that has a life of its own!
You,the object of my wild desire,
have succeeded in filling the position
of the angel that haunts my every thought,
torturing my soul and punishing my heart!
I need freedom from from my heart-
You see, before you magically appeared,
my heart was in perfect condition:
Cold-indifferent-unmoved-mechanical-perfect
Now its come alive!
Constantly beating faster at thoughts of you
Seeing you is a nightmare for my heart explodes
You got my heart working at superhuman levels
sometimes it threatens to tear out of my chest!
Overwhelming sensations of pain and pleasure
Ramming in the walls of my chest
i cant even imagine talking to you
Think i may just suffer a heart attack
whats worse,is that you haven't the faintest clue!
love unrequited;'tis a pain greater than all others combined
the bondage that holds me hostage-a hellish fire set ablaze
Flames of which are sustained and developed by the cocktail
of perfectly balanced hope and uncertainty
A fire that now consumes me slowly in the form
of conflicts,battles and wars of feelings within me:
wars between intense joy and extreme despair,
euphoria and depression,pain and pleasure
'tis heaven and hell inside of me
And nobody not even you know about it
I wonder how long i will keep my head above water
How long i'll keep up the fight
Before i give into this ocean of apprehension,
Nervousness,anxiety caused by the terrible worry
That my slightest screw up may lead to the disaster
Of the non-existent 'US' falling apart
Saw you again the other day; these feelings i couldn't control
Equilibrium unraveled- thoughts in disarray-
my breath taken away-my person depersonalized
Time had stopped and I had stepped out of my body momentarily
To watch,from a safe distance,the impending disaster unfold
For a moment i was invisible- Reaching out but not touching,
crying out your name without a voice
i then turned and silently watch you walk away
such is the misery that i languish in
so many words i have written
yet i am still not free from the great illusion
that breeds within me;
reproducing baby illusions of a possible 'us'.

Sweet Lips

I am a fan of lips, like them soft and inviting
Even better if they they are spread in a smile
Mostly,i like to watch those soft lips move as you talk
I hate to restrain myself from just reaching over for a kiss
Sometimes I just don't give a bother; reach over and steal a kiss
It drives me insane when you avenge my 'stealth mode' stolen kiss
I like the way my blood rushes and all i can hear is heartbeats...
And all I can feel are those amazingly sweet soft cherry lips
Their sweet scent; like an exotic flower with a hint of heaven
I must not forget to say that they taste like grapes from the garden Eden
Where are you now that i need some sweetness in my life;Where are you?

love's on leave

Seems to me that love’s taken a vacation,
She took some of her stuff and went,
She left quite unceremoniously I must say,
No good bye- no explanations,
She just left…
But she’ll be back,
I'm sure of this; because she left most of her stuff behind,
But before that time comes,
I’m just gonna be raising hell,
Causing havoc-mayhem-chaos,
there'll be loads of liqueur,
plenty of getting stoned,
the goddamn party just got a life of its own,
everything is on auto pilot,
wonder if I'll find myself in a tails spin...
spiraling down,
wonder if i should finally go on my "sweet escape",
without her by my side,
this is the status-quo,
till she comes back again...

It's dark inside...

When I was about four,I was nicknamed 'falling' by one one of my neighbors! I always thought he was a rather strange man;he'd always insist on tossing me up in the air or leave me perched on some high place that I couldn't get myself safely from! It's no wonder I'd always scream that I was 'falling' hence the nickname that he alone used on me.

The irony is that I was never afraid of heights. In fact I'd climb up and over obstacles on the daily; this would usually drive my mother nuts as I'd use these tricks to escape from the house just to play outside!

The difference was the trust involved. I obviously had no trust in my neighbors child tossing and perching gimmicks, so every time it happened; I'd lose my mind from the fear that he would inevitably drop me! And why wouldn't I be terrified; this was a strange man, who always walked up to me and decided I looked better in the air! Up to date I never understand why people feel the need to toss kids they just met up in the air! On the other hand I didn't mind it if my relatives did it... Trust, is a major catalyst for any endeavor; is what I learned from that experience.

The lack of trust breeds fear that if unchecked could cause great harm to oursleves, relationships and lives. If you don't believe me; think about your life, your current fears, what triggers your fears, what caused these fears... And you'll see your fears are all trust related. For instance the fear of commitment or neglect caused by past experience of someone you trusted abandoning you. Hydrophobia caused by some horrible water experience from someone you had put your trust in or maybe watching water take away someone you trusted! The list is endless but fear and trust are always connected.

So how can we remedy this? Can we take back the power that we give the creatures or people that torment us? Yes. We most certainly can do that. I think with insects and animals its easier because the general rule of that they are more terrified of you, than you are of them! So as long as you don't antagonize them you should be fine. With people its a bit tricky as games of manipulation and selfishness are often at work but none the less you choose your company.




But what if the thing you fear is inside you... Then what do you do? Aside quickly contacting the Vatican and advising them to bring an exorcism kit! LoL. If the thing you fear the most dwells within, then you must face it.

I assure you; there isn't enough alcohol, smoking, numbing, romance, running, drugs, friends, blame games, manipulation, books...to help you escape yourself. Even after you try all these gimmicks, you'll soon realise that the journey to meeting your worst night mare is inevitable.

Step 1: Stop running and hiding. It's time to face your demons.

Step 2: Accept whatever it is you've been battling all this year's.

Step 3: Learn how to trust, love and take care of yourself. If you don't, who will?

Step 4: Learn how to use your darkness or shame to your advantage. Literally keep your enemy closer... Shouldn't be hard, seeing it dwells within! LoL

Step 5: Live and let live.

Night terrors.

It's dead of night and he's screaming his lungs out again! It's the same madness every few nights, we go to bed peacefully and in the middle of the night we're at war with the unseen creatures that rule the night! The most amazing thing is that he has no idea he does it! Every morning I tell him about it and he thinks I'm making up crazy stories... Like when I tell him he snores; which is also true, but he wount hear any of it. So here we are tonight, you screaming maniacally for the heavens to open and me wondering what haunts you like this. I try and bring you back to the realm of the living, hoping that a break of wakefulness will ease your terrors. This is madness; caught up trying to wrestle you're sweat drenched violent sleeping self into reality!
"Gixa!" I call out "Gixa, get up! It's just a dream!

After a spirited struggle I finally subdue you. And there you lay giving me this blank look that whispers " what's going on?"



It's always so priceless, the innocent looks you peddle after this episodes.
"You've been wrestling in your sleep again" I say " let's get some sleep, its nearly dawn."

The usual awkward silence ensues where you wonder if the things I say about you are all true, if I know more than I care to tell you and how much I know. And I lay there in darkness wondering if I can keep doing this by my self, fighting this battle that my loving opponent is unware of; as if the darkness has chosen to make a puppet out you with the sole purpose of tormenting us! I wonder who we can seek help from? And where would I begin? With a friend? Or a psychiatrist? Or the church? I wonder how angry you'll get because I told someone you suffer some maddening nightmares... I want to believe it's a normal thing, and that it's just a phase but something inside of me tells me it's just the beginning.

The days are simple and sweet, its the nights I worry about. For months these terrors have eaten away peaceful nights and spewed out a grim experiences that should only live in the horror channel. Not any more, I think to myself; I've done my homework and found a remedy for the lunacy. I can't wait for you to get home! I feel like a mad genius with a plan; the excitement builds up as I make us dinner!

"Something smells delicious" says Gixa as he walks into the kitchen "what you cooking pretty Mama!"

I'm tempted to say the 'the last supper' but I catch my tongue and choose to behave myself!

"It's just a new fish recepie I found" I say " I hope you like it."

You give it a taste and your face lights up! So amazing how you, a vessel of joy and so much love; could be so tormented by darkness!

We go about our usual evening rituals and as usual you fall asleep early. I light some incense and bless your face with some holy water. Then lay down to rest my head.

Light filters through the curtains and birds sing their lovely songs; its morning! Success at last! Strange feelings of excitement and energetic bliss fill the room. I gaze upon you still in peaceful slumber and I know that we have won the battle!

As I step out of bed I'm paralyzed by a thousand shooting pains that electrify my back. I look back and to see bloody sheets! Willing myself to leave the bed and get to the mirror; there's deep scratches on my back! As if some kind of animal had aattacked attacked me in my sleep! It's then I notice the bloody writing by the incese holder "cease these clever games little wolf"! I walk over towards a peacefully sleeping Gixa whose hands are still covered with blood! Feeling a bit light headed and the room spins around me, I feel myself sleeping away into the unknown.

"Penzi" Gixa whispers "its time to get up"

Feels like I've been asleep for days! I notice the old woman by the bed, feelings of confusion and agitation rise.

"Calm down" Gixa says "she's here to take care of you, she used to be my aya"

How long have I been asleep? I Ask

"Just a few hours" he answers "you'll be good as new when morning comes!"

Suddenly the events from morning come rushing through my memory! I ask random questions in a bid to cover up the fear rising within! It's clear the aya knows what I'm doing, so she sends him away to fetch some soup.

"You will be alright" she says "these uniqe people bear some deep dark secrets, you understand?"

I nod my head like a good girl, all the while plotting my escape.

"You knew how special he was from the beginning" she continued "you need to take light with the dark, you understand?"

Again I nod.

"There's no need to run" she said "your family now."

My eyes widen.

"Yes I can read your thoughts" she smiles making her grey eyes sparkle besides her silky grey hair.

Gixa comes in with the soup. Attempts to feed it to me with little success. Food it the last thing in my mind.

The Aya urges me to try and eat something. She leans over and kisses my forehead, then declares her need depart. Gixa has to walk her out and I jump at this opportunity to check on the wounds on my back, to my surprise; there's nothing! No wounds, no scars, no bloody messages... Nothing! As if it was just but a dream!

I hear Gixa drawing closer, so I jump back into bed and act normal. He sits next to me, holds my hand and looks into my eyes.
"Where is it" he asks
"Where is what?" I respond
"Your special water" he demands

I pretend to have no idea what he's talking about. He gives me a reassuring smile and I cant help but notice that everything in the room, including us; is floating! Gravity no longer ruled and I quickly realized that I bit off more than I could chew.

"Where is it?" He insisted.

I pointed to where the little bottle lay hiding.

"Thank you," he said "we won't be needing this anymore"

I watched as it disappeared before my very eyes! Then everything slowly and gently landed in its usual place.

"There's no need to be afraid my love, You're family now." Gixa lulled.