Besides my madness

Assuming that each word i write
will take me a step closer to freedom
freedom from the anguish i harbor
in the depth of my soul-freedom from you;
the object of my obsession...
i need to set myself free
from the crystallized illusion of you
that i have created in my head...
I'm searching for the way out
To escape this quagmire that i created,
A seemingly innocent crush has grown into
A monster that has a life of its own!
You,the object of my wild desire,
have succeeded in filling the position
of the angel that haunts my every thought,
torturing my soul and punishing my heart!
I need freedom from from my heart-
You see, before you magically appeared,
my heart was in perfect condition:
Cold-indifferent-unmoved-mechanical-perfect
Now its come alive!
Constantly beating faster at thoughts of you
Seeing you is a nightmare for my heart explodes
You got my heart working at superhuman levels
sometimes it threatens to tear out of my chest!
Overwhelming sensations of pain and pleasure
Ramming in the walls of my chest
i cant even imagine talking to you
Think i may just suffer a heart attack
whats worse,is that you haven't the faintest clue!
love unrequited;'tis a pain greater than all others combined
the bondage that holds me hostage-a hellish fire set ablaze
Flames of which are sustained and developed by the cocktail
of perfectly balanced hope and uncertainty
A fire that now consumes me slowly in the form
of conflicts,battles and wars of feelings within me:
wars between intense joy and extreme despair,
euphoria and depression,pain and pleasure
'tis heaven and hell inside of me
And nobody not even you know about it
I wonder how long i will keep my head above water
How long i'll keep up the fight
Before i give into this ocean of apprehension,
Nervousness,anxiety caused by the terrible worry
That my slightest screw up may lead to the disaster
Of the non-existent 'US' falling apart
Saw you again the other day; these feelings i couldn't control
Equilibrium unraveled- thoughts in disarray-
my breath taken away-my person depersonalized
Time had stopped and I had stepped out of my body momentarily
To watch,from a safe distance,the impending disaster unfold
For a moment i was invisible- Reaching out but not touching,
crying out your name without a voice
i then turned and silently watch you walk away
such is the misery that i languish in
so many words i have written
yet i am still not free from the great illusion
that breeds within me;
reproducing baby illusions of a possible 'us'.