Shameless

Shame me...
Call me names
Spread those rumors
By all means, back bite me.


I'm so & so's child
No need for your pity
And no, we're not cursed!
Its just a simple family misfortune.
Or so I like to tell myself... You see;
My young brain can't comprehended
All the tragedy as it happens in real time
I suppose I'm just trying to make sense,
Of the current reality, the rumors, and the truth...

Trouble is people just love to ride a good scandal.
No body cares about your little feeling or well being...
A good story sells, add some spice and you have a winner.
So here I find myself in the predicament
Of having to admit to, explain, defend and re-live this agony.
Never mind that this mess is not even my making.
"Grow some thick skin" well wishers advise
It won't last forever.

Oh but it does..
The scandals fade but scars remain
You grow up knowing just how brutal things can get
A sense of aggression possesses you
A lack of trust be riddles you
A clock of shame covers you...
So you build massive emotional walls;
To protect yourself from "the enemies"
It's an exhausting way to live.



So your walls are great
But boy do they disconnect you!
You can't seem to have a "normal" life
And this in turn frustrates you...
The walls are closing in, it's cold and lonely.
So you seek an escape from the reality
You so carefully created to protect... You.
Numbness takes over; An "Ice Queen" is born.
Meanwhile society has gone back
To minding their trivial livelihoods
Searching for the next "shame" victim.


Honestly... Its never that serious.
Most people are extremely bored by their lives
Hence pounce on the littlest mishap,
Blowing it out of proportion and revel in your agony.
Aggressive responses only add salt to injury
Better keep calm and sail through it all.
Imagine yourself a sort of canine trainer at feeding time;
Where your mishap is the food...
Maybe it's a sort of sadistic response to it all, but it will keep you sane.
Especially when living in a society that likes to shame the victim.
Why live through a double tragedy?


Shame me...
Call me names
Spread those rumors
By all means, back bite me.

Hide and Seek

Being young and innocent is truly a beautiful thing. The funny thing about losing your innocence is that though you may try to keep it a secret you hold tight to; it's already so obvious to the experienced eye. I remember being in nursery school (kindergarten) and my beautiful mother would always try to fix my hair so I could be her smart looking little girl, trouble was I just loved the sand box. Honestly the most exciting part of school was play time when I'd just go and dive into the sand box.

Patiently she tried to salvage my hair every evening after my sand box escapades, one day she got fed up and shaved my head clean! Hahaha! A mother can only take so much torture. That was the best decision ever! I could finally enjoy my sand box and come home to a peaceful evening! I actually had my head clean shaven for years as a child, some of her friends didn't approve of a little bald girl but that didn't bother us. I could do play as wildly as I wished and she could have easier evenings. life was balanced and everybody was happy.

I vividly remember the day I went over to my family friends house for the day. It was on school break and Mama had errands to run so she dropped me off at her friends; Mama John's place. I loved it there- she had a kiosk with all the candy a girl could want, her kids were all great company and their food was always delicious. On this particular day there was another kid there; I was a little nervous about this intruder, a bit curios on who she was, maybe even a little threatened by this change that I was trying to size up the new girl.

Both mother's must have noticed my somewhat passive aggressive reaction and decided to make a formal introduction; where I learned that she was visiting from the big city and she learned that I was a wild village girl. They then had us stay in the living room with Baba John so we could get to know each other better! To be honest I don't even remember that girls name or even face.. sadly... But meeting that girl changed my entire life!

Anyway so I'm now stuck with 'new girl' and Baba John in the living room. There was a silent war happening in my head; I was busy trying to establish dominance over this new threat when suddenly Baba John summons us to his breakfast table; I remember he had 2 sunny side up eggs on his plate.

He eyed us and then asked do you want an egg?

We both said yes.

What part of the egg do you want?

What a curious question I thought to myself, I mean; he has two eggs and we're two little girls. He could easily have given each an egg with no politicking involved but of course this was a day filled with intricate surprises!

So we stood there staring at the eggs buffled by Baba Johns trick questions; when I finally declared I wanted the Yolk.

How about you? he asked new-girl, He assured her there was more than enough Yolk to go around. But to both our surprise she insisted on the egg white!

Egg white!? I couldn't wrap my head around why this new creature had no taste buds! The good news was I had two egg yolks to myself! I munched them up quick Before anybody changes their minds and sat down with a satisfied grin on my face having won the egg lottery.


Baba John looked at me and said "Annah, you obviously know the good things in life" I looked at him and just smiled.

At this point John and all his siblings were back from their chores and we could finally play games! With excitement new girl and I went to join the other kids. By the way John had two brothers and one very responsible sister, they were all older than new girl and I. So in a game situation it was awesome having someone my age!




So the games began, needless to say the older kids were winning at everything! By the time we got to hide and seek, new girl and I had become best of friends now that we were getting beaten together! Hahaha. Anyway so we start hide and seek and John is counting, I tried to get new girl to hide in the Napier grass with me but she was apparently a master hide and seeker! She pulled me towards the house and I remember telling her right before we got into the house, that all games take place outside- never in the house. She then reminded what terrible losses we were experiencing and put into perspective that since no one expects us to be in the house we would surely win.

My God, how was this little creature so devious already! But she had a point so I agreed. Now the sofas and cabinets were arranged next to the wall leaving no hiding space, the coffee table would have been a rubbish hiding place and as I was thinking new-girl grabbed me and dragged me into one of the bedrooms where we quickly hid behind a head board. I have to give it to her, she was definitely an expert at this!

We could hear John catching all the older kids and then they started looking for us in vain! We had finally succeeded at something! In all the excitement new-girl kissed my lips!! Oh my goodness! My little seven year old world exploded into a billion glittering fire flies! My little brain trying to digest what had just happened. I mean, it was common knowledge that if a boy and girl kissed, it was "bad manners" and must be reported to an adult instantly with no further delay! Heck I even once witnessed a teenage boy in my neighborhood climb onto a chicken coop, unzip his pants and the rest was too absurd to comprehend.

This moment was no bad manners nor was it absurdity... It was magical! It was curious! It was intriguing! My life had changed... At that moment, I felt my innocence fleeing and instantly being replaced by some form of maturity! New-girl, like a ninja had smoothly crept into my world and established dominance! At that moment she had subtlety; with no words, said to me, that me and my yolk winning - egg lottery antics could go to hell, for she now owned me... I could see the triumph in her fiery eyes! I was extremely bewildered and at the same time intrigued and curious. That moment was like a dangerously addictive drug... I was hooked for life!

Suddenly John came bursting through the door and declared that we had won the hide and seek challenge! Hahaha... New-girl was triumphant, I just watched her jumping for joy; knowing very well that not only had she won the game but my innocence too.

I remember going home that day knowing that the world was much greater than I had previously imagined; it was no longer just about egg yolks and sand boxes. The game had been changed forever; I knew that I would never want anybody else to grab the rag from underneath my feet again... I no longer wanted the simple physical wins of instant gratification. I now had an unquenchable thirst for exotic and spiritual wins- a win so intricately planned out that it would haunt your heart and soul; A win so good that I would become etched on your mind and the minds of your generation.

Be Gentle...

Father? Husband? Brother?
I really don't know much of you.
But over the years growing up,
I heard different things about you.
Supposedly...
You are creatures of power!
Apparently; you protect, you provide
You love, you nature, you are Kings!

I suppose there's a great rift
Between expectation and reality
As my feet swing helplessly
And this choke hold I'm in
Seems to tighten its grip on me
As each second elapses...
My heart is pounding,
My eyes are wet and bulging;
Wondering how did we get here?!







How this seemingly sweet romance,
Flipped into a daily hellish torture..
This "gentleman" turned demon!
With the daily purpose of sucking
The life out of me... all of it.
Sweet words no longer whispered,
Just ice cold letters crafted to stab!

Now every beautiful moment
Has a hellish lining...
What ever could go wrong, will.
I'm tired of sitting in the corner,
Tired of being used and abused
In the name of love.




Today I am a woman...
Not this helplessly vulnerable thing
I must gather the strength of all women
Just to save my self... and maybe others like me.
And so I stand up for myself.

Next thing I see,
His eyes turn red, nose flaring..
He is no longer human!
So I run and hide in the next room
I should be safe here.. or so I think
In flys the door off its hinges
Not even the walls are spared
Now there nothing to hide behind.

I must stand and fight.
Smack! Smack! Smack!
It happens too quickly to feel
Hurt, pained or even humiliated...
And now I'm in a choke hold
With my feet hanging mid air
As I feel my life slipping away
Unloved and unprotected.




Maybe if I survive this ordeal
I should ask father for some advise
Oh wait, Daddy is a mythical creature!
A true magician; a master vanisher.
Not to worry...
Self rescue is the best rescue after all.


I feel my eyes rolling back.
The vice grip of my soft fragile neck
Overwhelming my system...
Warm trickles down my kicking legs
Engaging system shut down
Maybe in the next life... If any,
I'll chose wisely.

Sailing Through.

"You are your own worst enemy"
Such a curious statement to make,
It dares to imply that said person;
Intentionally arises each morning
Just to utterly screw their life up!
A rather myopic analysis of a life.

Mean while the "enemy to self"
Is busy digging deeper into misery;
Some form of saddistic pleasure
That has them tripping on chaos
Addicted to fixes of destruction
The rush of running wildly amok

Running not jogging or walking
Mischief knows no patience nor
Of the subtle ways of maturity.
No. It storms through your home,
Has its way with you and your kin
Then quickly leaves shamelessly.

As you ponder over the past events
Dissecting this wreckless creature
Your: child, sibling, parent or lover
Trying to fathom why all your good
Advice falls on deaf ears and eyes.
Stop hurting your self. Let go...

The mind of an "enemy of self"
Is rigged just like a time bomb!
At some point it will explode...
There will be Manic Highs and
Grim Lows... These are the worst.
The dips that submerge to drown.



Suddenly you're trapped and alone
Thoughts mutineering vehemently
Emotions in an ocean of disarray
Your entire being is unravelling!!
Is this what they call "going crazy"
I'm I losing my mind? Oh God no.

As you're trying to figure out:
What the heck is wrong with you,
Why you're malfunctioning and
Failing to subscribe to the norm...
Society is well ahead of you;
Already labled and defined you!

Worry not, it doesn't last forever;
The emo dips and lows I mean...
And don't for a moment imagine
Booze, drugs, sex or running away
Will remedy the 'issue' permanently
They won't. They don't. They can't.

This is some sort of spiritual itch.
It cannot be scratched physically.
You cannot run, for it shadows you!
Stop, breath and pace yourself...
The turbulence will not last forever.
Brave the storm and enjoy the calm.

Hearts Ablaze

Dont you even dare pursue me
If all you intend to do is feed me
The crumbs of your love! No..
Better you keep your distance
And crumb love me from afar.

You see, if I invite you to my love
It shall be a feast like none other
I will feed you endless delicacies
Marinated in a rich love sauce
I'll inebriate you with my essence.

This is a daily choice I'm making
To wake up madly in love with you
To help you be better and stronger
To over come trials & temptations
Our love is a magnificent inferno..

So do not for a minute imagine
That I'll accept medicore loving
I won't deep my toes in your love
I'll dive deep and immerse myself
So that I'm one with your essence.

I am the sobering choice you make
Not an option to fix the loneliness
A choice to be possessed by my love
To be courageous and utterly crazy
In this adventure for the wild heart.

Demons & Dreams.

Set me free and let me run wild
Have me rush among beasts and birds
Jump off cliffs and dive deep into seas
This gives me pure joy, an ecstacy of sorts


It's a different living when you understand
That what's without can't hurt you like what's within
The maddening whispers that scratch below the surface
Reminding me of the personal hell that binds us
A legion that comes to life in full vigour when by my lonesome.


This creatures that have no faces nor names
How could I even express this terrors while I lack the words to describe them
I feel the whispers rising to a proper din...louder they scream!

My heart is pounding. I feel my chest about to burst.
Keep it together... I think to myself.
It's all in my head. Inhale. Exhale...
keep calm. Smile. And move on.






I'm greater than the demons within
These legions that serenade with songs of hopelessness and absolute demise.
A daily endeavor to tame these demons, Let them know their place.
Hopefully even use them to do my bidding...
But so chaotic they are ... Running amok and destroying everything I so carefully built.


These child hood monsters that I so diligently ignored.
Every time they visit, I shut my eyes,hide under the blanket and pray enthusiastically.
Hoping that the monster will pass me over and walk on by.
Childhood monsters that we should all grow out off...
It seems as I grew my monsters copulated and gave rise to these creatures
These hybrid demons that keep getting in the way of my dreams.


Keep calm. Keep it together. Inhale. Exhale. Smile. Master your demons.

Consume.

Consume me.
With your eyes
With your nose
With your heart.

Consume me.
With your soul
With your spirit
With your sweetness.

Consume me.
With your mind
With your madness
With your entire being.

Consume me...

Sweet Serenade

It's the full moon tonight;
The excitement is creeping up
Feel the lunacy breaking free
I can hear you calling out for me.

I hear you howling loud and clear
The howls rush madly from your lips
And latch onto the gusts of night wind
Like a chariots they come rushing forth

Swiftly possessing,quickly reviving
Yes my love, I hear your sweet serenade
Like an obedient child I eagerly answer
Entirely enchanted by your spirit song.



Here I am. Dive in,reach into my depths
Bared by your gaze,wrapped in thy voice
Squeeze my pulse,let your teeth sink in
Excite,thrill,petrify,torment.. Take me

Take me deep into the mystical paradise
That vortex..which only you help surmon
The place of pure bliss yet sweet agony
A magical nirvana at the edge of sanity

Worship You

As I wake
As I walk
As I work
Let me worship you

In each breath
In each beat
In each blink
Let me worship you

As time passes
As family grows
As moments glow
Let me worship you

In my perfect flaws
In my sweet heartache
In my loyal torments
Let me worship you

Like no other religion
Nor any other tradition
Lead me to your heart
So I may worship you.