Shameless

Shame me...
Call me names
Spread those rumors
By all means, back bite me.


I'm so & so's child
No need for your pity
And no, we're not cursed!
Its just a simple family misfortune.
Or so I like to tell myself... You see;
My young brain can't comprehended
All the tragedy as it happens in real time
I suppose I'm just trying to make sense,
Of the current reality, the rumors, and the truth...

Trouble is people just love to ride a good scandal.
No body cares about your little feeling or well being...
A good story sells, add some spice and you have a winner.
So here I find myself in the predicament
Of having to admit to, explain, defend and re-live this agony.
Never mind that this mess is not even my making.
"Grow some thick skin" well wishers advise
It won't last forever.

Oh but it does..
The scandals fade but scars remain
You grow up knowing just how brutal things can get
A sense of aggression possesses you
A lack of trust be riddles you
A clock of shame covers you...
So you build massive emotional walls;
To protect yourself from "the enemies"
It's an exhausting way to live.



So your walls are great
But boy do they disconnect you!
You can't seem to have a "normal" life
And this in turn frustrates you...
The walls are closing in, it's cold and lonely.
So you seek an escape from the reality
You so carefully created to protect... You.
Numbness takes over; An "Ice Queen" is born.
Meanwhile society has gone back
To minding their trivial livelihoods
Searching for the next "shame" victim.


Honestly... Its never that serious.
Most people are extremely bored by their lives
Hence pounce on the littlest mishap,
Blowing it out of proportion and revel in your agony.
Aggressive responses only add salt to injury
Better keep calm and sail through it all.
Imagine yourself a sort of canine trainer at feeding time;
Where your mishap is the food...
Maybe it's a sort of sadistic response to it all, but it will keep you sane.
Especially when living in a society that likes to shame the victim.
Why live through a double tragedy?


Shame me...
Call me names
Spread those rumors
By all means, back bite me.

Hide and Seek

Being young and innocent is truly a beautiful thing. The funny thing about losing your innocence is that though you may try to keep it a secret you hold tight to; it's already so obvious to the experienced eye. I remember being in nursery school (kindergarten) and my beautiful mother would always try to fix my hair so I could be her smart looking little girl, trouble was I just loved the sand box. Honestly the most exciting part of school was play time when I'd just go and dive into the sand box.

Patiently she tried to salvage my hair every evening after my sand box escapades, one day she got fed up and shaved my head clean! Hahaha! A mother can only take so much torture. That was the best decision ever! I could finally enjoy my sand box and come home to a peaceful evening! I actually had my head clean shaven for years as a child, some of her friends didn't approve of a little bald girl but that didn't bother us. I could do play as wildly as I wished and she could have easier evenings. life was balanced and everybody was happy.

I vividly remember the day I went over to my family friends house for the day. It was on school break and Mama had errands to run so she dropped me off at her friends; Mama John's place. I loved it there- she had a kiosk with all the candy a girl could want, her kids were all great company and their food was always delicious. On this particular day there was another kid there; I was a little nervous about this intruder, a bit curios on who she was, maybe even a little threatened by this change that I was trying to size up the new girl.

Both mother's must have noticed my somewhat passive aggressive reaction and decided to make a formal introduction; where I learned that she was visiting from the big city and she learned that I was a wild village girl. They then had us stay in the living room with Baba John so we could get to know each other better! To be honest I don't even remember that girls name or even face.. sadly... But meeting that girl changed my entire life!

Anyway so I'm now stuck with 'new girl' and Baba John in the living room. There was a silent war happening in my head; I was busy trying to establish dominance over this new threat when suddenly Baba John summons us to his breakfast table; I remember he had 2 sunny side up eggs on his plate.

He eyed us and then asked do you want an egg?

We both said yes.

What part of the egg do you want?

What a curious question I thought to myself, I mean; he has two eggs and we're two little girls. He could easily have given each an egg with no politicking involved but of course this was a day filled with intricate surprises!

So we stood there staring at the eggs buffled by Baba Johns trick questions; when I finally declared I wanted the Yolk.

How about you? he asked new-girl, He assured her there was more than enough Yolk to go around. But to both our surprise she insisted on the egg white!

Egg white!? I couldn't wrap my head around why this new creature had no taste buds! The good news was I had two egg yolks to myself! I munched them up quick Before anybody changes their minds and sat down with a satisfied grin on my face having won the egg lottery.


Baba John looked at me and said "Annah, you obviously know the good things in life" I looked at him and just smiled.

At this point John and all his siblings were back from their chores and we could finally play games! With excitement new girl and I went to join the other kids. By the way John had two brothers and one very responsible sister, they were all older than new girl and I. So in a game situation it was awesome having someone my age!




So the games began, needless to say the older kids were winning at everything! By the time we got to hide and seek, new girl and I had become best of friends now that we were getting beaten together! Hahaha. Anyway so we start hide and seek and John is counting, I tried to get new girl to hide in the Napier grass with me but she was apparently a master hide and seeker! She pulled me towards the house and I remember telling her right before we got into the house, that all games take place outside- never in the house. She then reminded what terrible losses we were experiencing and put into perspective that since no one expects us to be in the house we would surely win.

My God, how was this little creature so devious already! But she had a point so I agreed. Now the sofas and cabinets were arranged next to the wall leaving no hiding space, the coffee table would have been a rubbish hiding place and as I was thinking new-girl grabbed me and dragged me into one of the bedrooms where we quickly hid behind a head board. I have to give it to her, she was definitely an expert at this!

We could hear John catching all the older kids and then they started looking for us in vain! We had finally succeeded at something! In all the excitement new-girl kissed my lips!! Oh my goodness! My little seven year old world exploded into a billion glittering fire flies! My little brain trying to digest what had just happened. I mean, it was common knowledge that if a boy and girl kissed, it was "bad manners" and must be reported to an adult instantly with no further delay! Heck I even once witnessed a teenage boy in my neighborhood climb onto a chicken coop, unzip his pants and the rest was too absurd to comprehend.

This moment was no bad manners nor was it absurdity... It was magical! It was curious! It was intriguing! My life had changed... At that moment, I felt my innocence fleeing and instantly being replaced by some form of maturity! New-girl, like a ninja had smoothly crept into my world and established dominance! At that moment she had subtlety; with no words, said to me, that me and my yolk winning - egg lottery antics could go to hell, for she now owned me... I could see the triumph in her fiery eyes! I was extremely bewildered and at the same time intrigued and curious. That moment was like a dangerously addictive drug... I was hooked for life!

Suddenly John came bursting through the door and declared that we had won the hide and seek challenge! Hahaha... New-girl was triumphant, I just watched her jumping for joy; knowing very well that not only had she won the game but my innocence too.

I remember going home that day knowing that the world was much greater than I had previously imagined; it was no longer just about egg yolks and sand boxes. The game had been changed forever; I knew that I would never want anybody else to grab the rag from underneath my feet again... I no longer wanted the simple physical wins of instant gratification. I now had an unquenchable thirst for exotic and spiritual wins- a win so intricately planned out that it would haunt your heart and soul; A win so good that I would become etched on your mind and the minds of your generation.